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As a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve always believed that courtesy is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a happy life, I’ve struggled with very little self-assurance. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It comes from anxiety and has affected both my personal and work life. It frustrates my family and friends and workmates, and then I get annoyed when they point it out—which only increases my anxiety.

Presenting and Inquiring

This excessive apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to speaking to others or making inquiries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay concise and avoid going off-topic, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing setbacks from senior male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t think I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve heard that professional help might support me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Finding the Source

A psychotherapist might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or adopted from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once helped us become harmful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as holding yourself back. You know it annoys those around you, yet you persist it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than acting. Much of good therapy is about self-awareness, not just addressing problems. A qualified professional will gently challenge you, offering a comfortable setting to explore and accept who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a relational approach with a person-centered counselor might be more effective. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you treat, ignore, and criticize yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing long-standing behaviors is hard, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an effort to avoid shame or being seen, by acknowledging perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and nervousness.

Even processing later can be helpful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel understood without you taking blame.

This process will take persistence, but admitting there’s an issue is a important first step toward change.